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Ellison Buys Hawaiian Island


Yes, it's true, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison has bought 98% of the Hawaiian Island of Lanai for $500m.  The island was previously owned by David Murdock who bought Dole in 1985.  The island has 3,200 residents, two luxury resorts, two golf courses and is 88,000 acres (141 square miles) in size. 

Here are some alternate headlines & subheads

Ellison Buys Island of Lanai
Declares Bill & Melinda Gates Marriage to be in Violation of Oracle Terms of Service

Says "What Island?  I only wanted a closed off veranda.  Doesn't anyone listen to me?"

Thanks Safra Catz for Really Screwing Customers in Q4

Praises Gates & Buffet for Curing that Malaria Thing

Cost less than Buddy Media Anyways

Plans on Burying 3 Tons of Obsolete Sun Hardware

SAP Announces Intent to Acquire Alcatraz for $600m

Tells 3,200 Residents to Get Cracking on Oracle 12i

Bans Open Source Software

Still Angry About Getting Outbid on Yammer 

To be Renamed LarryLand

Reminds Facebook Millionaires Not To Be Too Flashy

Passes Law Banning Rival Marc Benioff From Ever Wearing Hawaiian Shirts Again

Expresses Enthusiasm for Pineapples and Local Super Skunk


First two are very funny when read together.

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